


we're ephemeral shadows glowing in the moonlight

by fallingforboys



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Good Theo Raeken, Implied/Referenced Torture, Liam Dunbar is Theo Raeken's Anchor, M/M, Nothing too explicit though, Theo Raeken Needs a Hug, Theo Raeken is Liam Dunbar's Anchor, Theo Raeken is Part of the Pack, Theo Raeken-centric, Theo's Journey to Forgiving Himself, but he doesn't believe it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29732121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingforboys/pseuds/fallingforboys
Summary: ephemeral [ih-fem-er-uhl]adjective1. lasting a short time; temporary
Relationships: Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 138





	we're ephemeral shadows glowing in the moonlight

Theo should’ve left. Beacon Hills wasn’t his home, wasn’t his _anything_ anymore. The second he placed Gabe’s arm down, his own hands still slightly trembling, he should’ve stood up and walked _away_. Away from the hospital, away from the teenagers staring at his back, away from _all of it_. 

But he didn’t.

And now he was sitting in his truck, long after everyone else would’ve fallen asleep, listening to the silence that hung around him. Sleep was pointless, so Theo didn’t even bother trying. Instead, he sat in front of the wheel, taking in the steady beat of his (Tara’s) heart, and the copper taste in his mouth that he desperately wished would leave, because he was so _fucking_ tired of blood, of _fighting,_ of _death_. 

And Theo might’ve spent the last ten years lying, and deceiving, and manipulating, but he’s never been good at lying to himself. And he _knew_ the reason why he stayed.

But just because he didn’t lie to himself doesn’t mean he couldn’t avoid the truth. And Theo was so _good_ at it, it didn’t even faze him when he felt his claws poke out in protest, digging into his thighs, begging him to acknowledge what he was trying to stifle. He _forced_ them to retract, and it was almost _painful_ , the way he had to reach into his head and let the foggy numbness take over his mind. It’s the only way, he reminded himself, even if doing it brought back unwanted memories. Brought back the same numbness spreading through his body when the Dread Doctors cut into him the tenth, or the twenty-first, or the fiftieth time. Brought back the same numbness that filled his head the first time Theo watched a little girl, that couldn’t have even been ten years old, sprawled on the cold ground, silver liquid dripping from her mouth. Theo didn’t think he’d ever forget her eyes, wide yet completely _vacant_ , staring blankly at the ceiling. Theo had been nine years old then, but he’d felt fifteen years older, seeing that girl, seeing the life slowly _seep_ out of her, hearing the hiss of _failure_ that echoed in the room. Brought back the same numbness that he’d felt when he saw the green eyes that he’d looked into for _years_ slowly lose life right in front of him, and he hadn’t been able to do _anything_ about it. 

Almost ten years later, the same numbness stretched from his mind down to his fingertips as flashes of his past played in front of him like a movie he wished he could stop. The lingering scent of his guilt clogged up his throat, but what good was guilt when nothing he could do would _ever_ make up for what he did? He would feel guilty for the rest of his life, would carry the burden of his regrets on his shoulders alone for eternity, and Theo could accept that. Because he deserved nothing less than to _feel_ , something he hadn’t done for the last ten years, and now he could do nothing _but_ feel. 

The numbness helped, but it was only temporary. Just like everything in Theo’s life, just like _him_. He was never meant to be permanent, never meant to get attached to anything or anyone, because all that would do was ruin lives. Not his, his life wasn’t good enough to be ruined. Everyone else’s though, _they_ could be ruined. They could be _destroyed_ by Theo. 

Theo was temporary no matter where he went, a fleeting shadow whose silhouette almost resembled an angel, until you got closer and realized the halo around his head was actually horns, and then his silhouette was just as ephemeral as he was. 

As he’d always be. 

Did he _want_ to be something else?

Did he _want_ to find something that would make him _stay_ , that would stop him from being this momentary silhouette that left him empty, that never let him get attached?

Did he already find it?

Theo’s nails pressed into his legs, bringing him back to reality. _No_ , Theo forced his brain to accept, maybe he wasn’t leaving Beacon Hills, but there was nothing that wanted him to _stay_. No _one_ that wanted him to stay. No one that would stay for _him_.

Theo jumped when the passenger door suddenly flung open and closed just as quickly, but not before a body slid in. Theo didn’t turn his head to look, and neither did the teenager now sitting next to him. The guilt that had been suffocating the truck didn’t go away, but was accompanied by hints of confusion and anger. And if the boy next to Theo picked up on any of it, he didn’t say anything.

“Why’d you run?”

The words were almost deafening in the silence that had fallen after the door had closed, and Theo still didn’t turn, keeping his eyes on the trees in front of him. 

“I’m still here, I didn’t run,” Theo said after a few minutes, and the standstill was finally broken. 

Corey’s body shifted, and Theo could feel his eyes on the side of his face. “Why’d you run after the hospital?” the other chimera clarified, his voice hard and unforgiving, and Theo finally angled his head to look at him.

Corey’s clothes were still disheveled and covered in blood and dirt. Dried blood stained little sections of his hands, and Theo had the sudden urge to throw a towel at him and tell him to wipe it off. Corey’s hands shouldn’t be bloody– he was _innocent_. 

“I didn’t run,” Theo repeated harshly, “The fight was over. Why would I stay?”

Temporary. You’re temporary, Theo reminded himself. You don’t stay. Don’t stay.

“You’ve stayed for the last few months,” Corey noted, and Theo’s mind flashed to the reason he was avoiding.

“To save my own ass,” Theo retorted bitterly, “Everyone knows a lone wolf is the easiest prey.”

Maybe Theo was surrounded by supernaturals here, but he was still a lone wolf. And Corey was too smart to believe Theo’s excuse.

Corey’s eyes pinned Theo down, like he was _actually_ prey, like he was being _hunted_. “If it was to save your own ass, you had no reason to come to the hospital tonight. So, _why’d you run after?_ ”

“Don’t pretend that anyone actually noticed,” Theo snarled, getting tired of hearing the same question.

“You’re right, they didn’t,” Corey conceded, and Theo ignored the way the words slashed at his skin. He had _no_ right to believe anything different.

“Then why are you _here?_ ” Theo snapped.

“ _They_ didn’t,” Corey repeated, “ _We_ did.”

Theo didn’t need to ask who _they_ were. He’d done enough to make _them_ hate him for a lifetime and two lifetimes after that. He didn’t blame them, he’d honestly be surprised if they _did_ notice. But he didn’t know who _we_ included.

“We?”

Corey didn’t answer, and Theo wondered if Corey thought he knew and just wanted him to say it out loud. “For how smart you are,” Corey began, “You’re hopeless when it comes to people.”

Theo’s mind was split between acceptance and confusion. He _knew_ he didn’t understand everything sometimes, a consequence of never getting to _experience_ his childhood and adolescence like normal people. A consequence of never _staying_ , always temporary, always moving on before he even had anything to move on from. But Theo didn’t know what _that_ had to do with _this_.

“Is there a point you’re trying to make, or did you just come here to insult me?” Theo hissed, and Corey gave him a heavy look.

“I’m gonna keep asking until you give me an actual answer,” Corey stated, his eyes flickering back to the dashboard. “Why’d you run?”

Theo stiffened, but dropped his shoulders a few moments later. If an answer was what it took to get Corey to leave, then Theo would comply. “I didn’t need to be there, you guys needed to be with pack. And it’s no secret that I’m not.”

Corey was silent for a few moments. “When you brought all of us back to life, did you really want a pack, or did you just want power?”

The sudden shift in conversation made Theo blink. Corey’s voice was quiet, but the chimera had a way of making his words hit exactly where Theo didn’t want them to. 

“What does that have to do wi–”

“Just answer the question, Theo,” Corey sighed out, and Theo nail dug into his thighs again.

“If I say pack, would you even believe me?”

Corey glanced at Theo out of the corner of his eye. “Would you believe yourself?”

Theo snorted. How did Corey somehow always manage to figure out the things that Theo’s been trying to hide? He looked down, elongating his claw on his index finger and picked at his jeans. “Pack was part of it,” he finally said a few moments later, and he didn’t know _why_ he was explaining this to Corey, but he found himself doing it anyway. “But getting away from the Doctors was my main concern back then.”

“And you _needed_ power,” Corey added, and Theo nodded jerkily. “Did you ever think about the fact that maybe we _understand_ that, Theo? We know the things you did, but we also know some of the things you’ve been through. And we know that you’ve changed.”

“You make it sound so simple,” Theo retorted, his mouth tightening, “And it’s not.”

“No, it’s not,” Corey agreed, leaning back into the seat. “But you’re not letting yourself move on.”

That took Theo by surprise. All his life, he’s done nothing but _move on_ , move on from Tara, from Beacon Hills, from family, from every _goddamn_ thing he could think of, and now Corey was saying he _wasn’t_ moving on. Isn’t that what Theo wanted though? He didn’t want temporary, he wanted something to _last_. And if that something was his regrets and guilt, then he’d never move on. 

“There’s nothing to move on to,” Theo stated bluntly. “I’m fine where I am.”

Corey didn’t say anything, just gave him a pointed look. He let out a quiet sigh before opening the door, and stepping out. Right before he closed it, he turned back, catching Theo’s gaze.

“You’re allowed to move on while staying,” Corey said softly, “They’re not mutually exclusive.”

The door closed, and the haunting silence was the only company Theo had once again.

_______________________________

Theo should’ve seen this coming after Corey. The two of them were practically two parts of a whole anyway. 

Mason sat cross-legged on the bed of the truck next to Theo, staring out into the preserve. Theo had his back to one side of the truck, absentmindedly flicking his claws out one by one, and retracting them seconds later. 

“You took his pain.”

Theo didn’t turn to the human, but he felt a lump in his throat as he quietly mumbled out, “Yeah.”

Mason finally looked at him, and his face didn’t reveal anything, but Theo caught a hint of remorse in his scent, which threw him off a little. What did _Mason_ have to be remorseful about?

“You took his pain,” Mason repeated, and a flash of irritation bubbled in Theo’s chest.

“Is there a point to this?” Theo snapped, vaguely remembering when he’d said almost the same thing to Corey last week. 

“Do you remember what I told you that time when we were in the tunnels?” Mason asked, and Theo had to hold back a snort.

Did he remember? Those words were _constantly_ repeating in his head, reminding him of who he was, what he _did_ , why he didn’t _deserve_ anything he wanted. But he didn’t say anything, just jerked his head in a short nod.

Mason exhaled quietly, turning his gaze back forward. “I’m gonna ask you something, and I want you to answer honestly.”

Theo stiffened, but agreed after a couple of moments.

“Did you care back then?” Mason asked, his eyes now piercing as they held Theo captive, “Did you care when you tried to take my pain, and you just didn’t know _how?_ Or were you just trying it because you thought it would make Scott and Liam accept you into the pack?”

Theo’s breath caught in his throat. The answer was _right there_ , but it held a lot of weight. And Theo didn’t know if he was ready for that. Didn’t know if he was ready to admit _why_. 

Mason’s stare was unwavering, and Theo clenched his jaw and turned his head away. “Does it matter?”

“Yeah, it does, so answer the question, Theo,” Mason said, traces of exasperation evident in his voice. 

“I didn’t want you to die,” Theo said through gritted teeth, because talking about _feelings_ was not something he wanted to get into, not with Mason, not with _anyone_ , really.

“I remember the look on your face,” Mason responded after a beat, “after I said what I did. I remember thinking that you looked _panicked_ , and I’m not supernatural so I couldn’t confirm anything. But were you _trying_ , Theo?”

Theo’s back was ramrod straight now, not touching the side of his truck anymore. “I couldn’t do it. I hated that I couldn’t do it.”

Mason sighed, and he looked at Theo again. “Then I’m sorry.”

Theo faltered. “Why are you _sorry?_ ”

“For saying that you don’t care,” Mason continued, his fingers fidgeting in his lap. “Maybe you couldn’t take pain until last week, though maybe if you tried again, it might’ve worked, but that didn’t mean that you didn’t care. You _did_ , and I’m sorry.”

“I don’t deserve an apology, Mason,” Theo scoffed, avoiding Mason’s searching eyes. “Don’t turn my hatred at not being able to do something into something it’s not.”

“But that wasn’t the only reason,” Mason stated curtly. “And if you think that I don’t know that you care, you’re clearly not as smart as everyone thinks you are.”

Theo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “What do you want from me, Mason?”

“Accepting that you care would be a start,” Mason declared, and Theo picked up on the irritation drifting off of the human. “Explaining why you haven’t shown up to pack meetings would be next.”

“I’m not pack, why would I go?” Theo muttered, picking at a loose string on his sweater. “The only reason I went before is because the whole town was trying to kill us.”

“ _Is_ that the only reason?” Mason questioned. Theo’s pulse skipped, but he was avoiding the truth– which _wasn’t_ the same thing as lying, he told himself– so he nodded. Theo didn’t need to look at Mason’s face to know he didn’t believe him. 

It was quiet for a few minutes, and Theo let his mind wander off. He thought back to what Corey told him before he left last week, that he could _stay_ and still move on, and Theo didn’t know how that was even possible. If he stayed– which he was, at least for the time being– then the ghosts would always be there, looking over his shoulder like they were waiting for him to fuck up again like he always did. Every street seemed lined with them, and Theo wouldn’t be able to avoid them no matter how hard he tried. If he stayed, there _was_ no moving on. But if he _didn’t_ stay… there was still no moving on for him. Theo was trapped, and it was _ironic_ , because all these years, everything he did, it was to _avoid_ feeling stuck, it was to finally feel _free_ , but here he was, trapped between the ghosts of his past and the guilt of his present, and there _was_ no future, because Theo sure as hell didn’t deserve that. 

“Can I tell you something?” Mason’s voice cut through Theo’s thoughts, and he barely stopped himself from jumping at the sudden interruption. Theo cocked an eyebrow, knowing that Mason would talk no matter if he said yes or no, and the human’s lips twitched for a second before falling back into a blank expression. “I still remember everything I did as the Beast.”

Theo inhaled sharply, not expecting Mason to bring _that_ up, and Mason gave him an unreadable look before continuing. “And it’s hard sometimes, knowing that I did all that, that I _enjoyed_ doing all that. When you really think about it, Monroe was _my_ fault.”

“The _Beast’s_ fault,” Theo cut in harshly. “You and the Beast aren’t the same, don’t blame yourself for something you couldn’t control.”

Mason looked torn for a second, before his face hardened again and he tilted his head towards Theo. “Could you control all those things you did?”

Theo stilled. “You’re comparing two things that have no right to be compared,” he growled. “I knew what I was doing, you _didn’t_.”

“Maybe,” Mason acknowledged. “But could you _control_ them? Could you leave, Theo? What would’ve happened if you woke up one day and decided to leave the Doctors?”

Theo’s mind pulled up the memory that was _burned_ into his brain, one that he’d never be able to forget, even if he wanted to. Theo had been with the Dread Doctors for about six months, and his parents hadn’t sent anyone to find him. Not that he thought they would, anyway. But then the Doctors had brought in another kid, a boy a couple of years older than Theo, and Theo didn’t have friends, but Nathan might’ve been the closest he got to it. And Nathan was bold. He was brave, in a way nine year old Theo could only _dream_ of being, so Theo couldn't help but look up to him. Couldn’t help but wonder of leaving it all behind, and running away with him, like a twisted Romeo and Juliet. And Nathan wanted to. _God_ , he wanted to. And Nathan talked about it so much, had made so many elaborate plans, that Theo wanted it too. And Theo started to dream about life away from the Doctors, away from all the death and the experiments and the torture that he’d witnessed in the short time he’d been with them. 

And then it had all come crashing down. The Doctors had sent Theo out, told him they needed to work with Nathan alone for a little bit, and Theo might’ve been young, but he _knew_ that meant something bad. So he screamed and kicked and banged on the door until they got fed up. 

Theo wished he’d stopped when they told him to. 

Theo didn’t know how long he was forced to watch, but Nathan’s screams would forever be ingrained in his mind. Eventually, one of them grabbed a needle, and Theo had seen enough _failures_ that he knew what would happen next. And Nathan was _ruined_ at this point, his eyes wide and filled with pain, but he somehow turned his head to Theo. As the needle got closer and closer to his vulnerable neck, Nathan used the last of his strength– Theo could _see_ how much it hurt him, but he _still_ did it– to talk to Theo.

“Find a… way,” Nathan had whispered, tears running down Theo’s cheeks as he watched the closest person he had to a _friend_ seconds away from his death, “Don’t let them… make you into what… they want.”

The needle pierced his skin, and Theo screamed Nathan’s name as the other boy’s breath hitched. “Don’t... stay,” were Nathan’s last words, the life _draining_ out of his eyes as the mercury dripped out of his mouth. 

“ _Failure_.”

The word echoed in the silent room, and Theo’s throat was closed up, as he watched the Doctors take Nathan’s body out of the room like he was just an object, expendable in every way.

That was the last time Theo had cried. Though every time the Doctors had ripped him open, and gave him another _job_ to do, he wanted to. Wanted to cry for not listening to his friend’s last words. Nathan had died, and Theo couldn’t even honor his last wish. He became exactly what the Doctors wanted him to, but Theo was still a failure. 

Because he had stayed.

Theo blinked, suddenly realizing that he hadn’t answered Mason’s question, that it had been a few minutes since the human had last spoken. But Mason had been watching Theo the entire time, watching the emotions play out on his face, and he nodded before Theo even said anything.

“You had just as much control as I did,” Mason stressed. “You were _nine_ years old when they took you, Theo. And judging from what I just saw on your face, you couldn’t leave. I’m not saying that it makes up for everything you did, but you’re not putting enough blame on the ones who actually deserve it. And after hell,” Theo’s eyes snapped to Mason, who was looking at him carefully, “you’ve changed. We can see that, Theo. Why can’t you?”

Theo took a shaky breath. He didn’t expect all of this to come out today, he just thought Mason would try talking to him for a few minutes, get annoyed, and then leave him alone. But there was a reason Mason was Liam’s best friend, and the human knew how to worm his way into a conversation that the other person doesn’t want to have. 

“Mason–”

Mason cut Theo off with a shake of his head. “I know Corey told you this already, but you clearly didn’t listen to him, so I’m telling you again. Just because you stay, doesn’t mean you can’t move on, Theo. Moving on doesn’t mean you forget, it means you choose to accept what happened and learn to grow after. You’ve messed up in the past, and none of us have _forgotten_ it, but we see who you are _now_ , and this Theo isn’t the same Theo from last year.”

Theo was silent, because he knew if he tried to speak right now, his voice would betray everything he was thinking. Mason seemed to understand, and he pushed himself off the side of the truck, jumping down onto the ground. 

“We’ve forgiven you, Theo,” Mason said quietly, “But nothing’s going to change if you don’t forgive yourself.”

Theo wished he knew how to.

_______________________________

Theo couldn’t say that he’d expected this, because he _hadn’t_. 

He’d run into Nolan at the grocery store, and the human had tensed for a moment, before he nodded tersely at Theo and walked away. But apparently something had changed from when he saw him to when Theo finished grabbing a few protein bars that pretty much become his sole source of nourishment since most of the money he got from his shitty job at the gas station went towards gas, ironically. Because when Theo walked out of the store, Nolan was standing next to the passenger door of his truck, waiting for Theo to come out. 

“Is there something you want?” Theo snapped at him, and he smelled the human’s fear spike for a moment, before his face hardened and he gestured towards the door. Theo knew what he was asking, but he didn’t know _why_. But Theo let out a resigned sigh, and opened the truck, sliding into the driver’s seat. Nolan hopped into the passenger seat a second later, and Theo pulled out of the parking lot, because whatever Nolan wanted, he wasn’t about to get into it in front of the _grocery store_. 

The ride to the school was silent, and Theo pulled into the empty parking lot, and he let out a quiet breath of relief that there wasn’t a soul in sight. Nolan’s eyes were fixed on the school, but Theo was getting irritated.

“Hey,” he hissed, snapping Nolan out of whatever daze he was in, “What do you want?”

Nolan stayed still for a few more moments, before dropping his head down. When he spoke, his voice was so quiet, that Theo had to lean in even with his supernatural hearing. 

“Gabe was my best friend.”

Theo’s eyebrow rose. “What does that have to do with me?”

Nolan’s voice got a little louder, and he absentmindedly twisted the bottom of his shirt in his fingers. “We’d been friends since elementary school. I don’t think there’s anything about him that I _don’t_ know. I know his favorite movie, and how he hated chemistry, but took it anyway in freshman year because he didn’t want me to be alone. And how his parents were never around, so he was always at my place.”

Theo didn’t know what Nolan was trying to do here, but he stayed quiet, and let the human keep talking.

“I would’ve done anything for him, and he would’ve done anything for me,” Nolan said softly, and Theo turned to him, saw how his eyes were glazed over, like he was reliving something in his head. “He _did_ do everything for me, at least in his mind. He shouldn’t have done it, but he thought he was doing it for me, that it was something I wanted.”

Theo didn’t have to ask what Nolan was talking about. He remembered how Liam had gone off the rails after the hunters had shot up the McCall’s house, how he had gone after Gabe, and almost killed him. _Would’ve_ killed him, if Theo hadn’t somehow managed to stop him. 

“But–” Nolan’s voice broke, and he cleared his throat before starting again. “But near the end of the war, I barely recognized him. He was my _best_ friend, and I couldn’t recognize him. How fucked up is that?” Nolan’s choked laugh filled the truck. “I was the one who brought him into all of this, and I’m still here, and he’s _dead_. The only thing that makes it a little better is knowing that he wasn’t in pain when he died.”

_Oh_. “Nola–”

“I just wanted to say thank you,” Nolan interrupted him, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand. “You didn’t have to do that, and Gabe had done nothing but hurt you, but you still did it. And he was my best friend, and–” Nolan’s voice cracked. “And just… just thank you.”

Theo waited until Nolan’s sniffles subsided, and he gave the human a cautious look. “That was the first time I did that,” he said, and he didn’t know _why_ he was admitting this to Nolan. “I didn’t think I could before that.”

Nolan’s red eyes met his, but the human faced forward again. “Well you did,” Nolan said, before quieting down again. But Theo could tell he was dying to ask him about it, so he waited patiently for the question he knew would come soon. Sure enough, Nolan’s voice filled the air again a few minutes later. “Why?”

Theo pressed his nails into his thighs, tilting his head back onto the headrest and letting out a slow sigh. “No one filled you in back when you were trying to murder all of us?”

Nolan flinched at Theo’s sharp words, but his shoulders slumped and he shook his head glumly. “She didn’t even tell us your names, you guys were just unidentified faces to all of us.”

Theo let out a short bark of laughter. He shouldn’t be laughing, but that was so _twisted_ , and Theo couldn’t help it. “I tried to tear the pack apart. I turned them against each other, and almost got Liam to kill Scott.”

Nolan’s eyes widened, and Theo’s lips curved up in a bitter smirk. “Not what you thought, huh?” The human shook his head slowly, but to his credit, he didn’t look like he was going to run away from Theo as far as he could.

“How’d you get back in the pack?” Nolan asked, and Theo snorted.

“I didn’t, where’d you get that idea from?”

Nolan’s brows furrowed, and he gave Theo a puzzled look. “But that day at the hospital, you and Liam were fighting together, and all of the–”

“I was a necessary evil,” Theo interjected, not wanting Nolan to bring up the things he’d been trying to forget. “I’m not in the pack, and I never will be. But when pretty much the entire town was hunting us, sticking together was the only option we had.”

Nolan didn’t flinch this time, but his finger twitched against this leg. “You didn’t see Liam’s face after you took Gabe’s pain. I don’t think you’re as much of a necessary evil as you think you are.”

Theo’s heart skipped a beat. “Don’t,” he warned, “Don’t talk about something you know nothing about.”

“They pretty much ignored me for months, you know,” Nolan said suddenly, “The only person who talked to me was Brett. But two days ago, Liam came up to me and asked me if I was doing okay after some guys cornered me. After _everything_ I’ve done to him, he still helped me. And he invited me to a pack meeting. I tried to _kill_ him, and he invited me to their pack meeting.” Nolan angled his head towards Theo, a heavy look in his eyes. “He’d do the same for you if you let him.”

Theo’s mouth tightened, his teeth grinding together. “Liam’s too nice for his own good. And I’m not gonna add myself to all the problems he already has to deal with. That the _pack_ has to deal with.”

“Sounds like you care,” Nolan quipped. “Sounds like you know they’ve already forgiven you, but you’re holding yourself back. Because you think that you’re not good enough for them.”

How did this _human_ , that Theo had honestly seen probably _twice_ in his entire life, figure him out that quickly? When did he get so easy to read?

“Stop _talking_ ,” Theo growled, and Nolan quickly lifted his hands in surrender, leaning away from Theo slightly. 

“I’m just saying,” Nolan said quietly as he opened the door and jumped out. “I’ve slowly started to forgive myself for the things I did, even though I know I’ll never forgive myself completely. And it helped.”

Nolan’s voice was gentle, like he was trying to _comfort_ Theo. “Start with the small things. Start apologizing, instead of sitting alone in your guilt. And _mean it_. You have to move on someday, Theo, or you’ll spend the rest of your life watching everyone else move on without you.”

The door slammed shut, and Theo was left sitting alone in his truck for the third time in a month, thinking about the same goddamn thing.

_______________________________

For some reason, Nolan’s words played on repeat in Theo’s head. And he was getting sick of it. So three days after he ran into Nolan in the grocery store, Theo drove out into the preserve, to a corner that he knew the pack rarely ventured out to. 

The makeshift gravestones barely even _resembled_ gravestones, but Theo was working with what he had, and thirty minutes later, he was kneeling back on his heels, staring at the two stones in front of him, unable to take his eyes off of them. Theo had to squint a little to read the names, but the _Tracy_ and _Josh_ were unmistakable. 

It was too much for Theo. He shot to his feet, hopped in his truck, and hit the accelerator as hard as he could. That was a mistake, Theo thought as the distance between him and the gravestones increased. 

But he was back the next day. And the day after that. 

He didn’t do much, just stood there and _stared_. 

Back then, Tracy and Josh were just collateral damage. Pawns he had used and thrown away when their time was up, because they had been _expendable_. Expendable like–

Like Nathan had been to the Dread Doctors.

And for the first time in almost ten years, Theo broke down. The tears blurred his vision as he fell to his knees in front of the stones, not even noticing when a branch pierced his skin. He cried for minutes, maybe even _hours_. Theo didn’t know, but it was like all the tears he’d been holding back were now spilling out of him, and he couldn’t stop them, didn’t _want_ to stop them. But eventually, his eyes dried out, and he pushed to his feet to find another stone.

Ten minutes later, Theo placed another gravestone next to the two already standing, and his eyes burned again at seeing _Nathan_ etched on the gray rock. 

“I’m sorry, Tracy and Josh,” Theo whispered, his voice hoarse from crying. He angled his head towards Nathan’s gravestone, his breath hitching when it suddenly hit him that this was the closest thing to closure that Nathan would ever get. Theo didn’t know what the Dread Doctors did with his body, and he never would now. “I’m sorry Nathan,” Theo croaked out, the vision of Nathan’s broken body flashing in his mind. “I should’ve listened to you. I should’ve listened.”

_______________________________

Theo spent most of his free time in the preserve now, sitting in front of the three stones. At first it was because he was worried that someone would come and ruin them while he was gone, so it was a daily check in, to make sure they were still standing. But eventually, Theo started spending hours there, his eyes never leaving the three names carved onto the stones. It became a sanctuary of sorts, and Theo never knew how much time would pass when he was sitting there. 

He was so engrossed in his own thoughts, that he didn’t sense the other presence until a twig snapped behind him. Theo jumped up, his claws and fangs dropping, but he froze when he came face to face with Scott.

The alpha had a hand out in front of him, like he was prepared to stop Theo if he attacked, and Theo pushed his shift down, turning his back on him. 

“Why are you here?”

Theo sat back down as he asked the question, pulling his knees into his chest and wrapping his arms around them, and the air was still for a few moments before Scott moved and sat down next to him. Theo knew Scott was looking at the gravestones, caught the alpha’s scent dip into sorrow.

“Theo–”

“Why are you here?” Theo repeated, and Scott’s head turned towards him. 

“I saw your truck heading this direction, and I…” Scott didn’t finish, but he didn’t have to. The alpha didn’t trust him, and had followed him. “But I didn’t know that this is where you were going, I swear, Theo.”

Theo knew that Scott wasn’t lying. The alpha wasn’t controlling anything, was baring his chemosignals and heartbeat just like he always did. Theo nodded in acknowledgement, but didn’t say anything else. He could almost _hear_ Scott’s curiosity, though.

“Theo…” Scott started hesitantly, clearly gauging Theo’s chemosignals, “Who’s Nathan?”

Theo was too exhausted of controlling his body, and he was powerless to stop the skip in his pulse at the name. Even after all these years, even after all these days of mourning him, Theo couldn’t hear Nathan’s name without his throat clogging up. He was silent for a few minutes, wondering if he should tell Scott, if he _could_ tell Scott. But Nolan’s words echoed in Theo’s head again, and he inhaled shakily.

“He was another chimera,” Theo said in a low voice, the words fighting their way up his throat, “He was… he was my friend.”

Scott took a deep breath. Theo knew the alpha was debating whether to ask his next question or not. “Ask whatever you want Scott, I’m not running.” Scott angled his head towards Theo, his brows drawn together.

“Do you… do you want to talk about him?”

Theo’s first instinct was to say no. It was what he was used to, closing up before he was caught exposing his feelings, bottling them away in the depths of his chest instead. But something in Scott’s voice had Theo opening his mouth and talking.

“I was nine, and the Doctors brought in a new kid. He was eleven, dark hair and green eyes, and he couldn’t have been more than a couple inches taller than me, but he just had this… _thing_ about him. Like he could take on anything, and he’d win,” Theo began, staring at Nathan’s name as his mind took him back to the first time he met Nathan. “It wasn’t the first time they brought another kid in, but something about Nathan was different, and we became close pretty quickly.”

Theo’s eyes were burning again, but he forced his tears down. “And for a few years, it was nice. As nice as it got with the Doctors, anyway. But then we got older and they started making us do things that… that neither of us really wanted to do.” Theo didn’t really want to explain what those things were, and thankfully, Scott didn’t ask. “And then Nathan started getting ideas about escaping, running away and living a better life somewhere else. I was wary at first, but hearing him talk about it, it sounded so _good_. Not having to worry about experiments, and the Doctors tearing us apart slowly, and all the death that surrounded them. We could start fresh, could do the things that we never got to do, like go to a middle school dance or…” 

Theo trailed off, thinking about the day Nathan finally convinced him to escape with him. The Doctors had taught them to conceal their heartbeat and chemosignals by then, so Nathan never knew what exactly had convinced Theo, but Theo remembered. Nathan was going on and on about the things they could do, talked about school dances, swaying with someone on the dance floor, and Theo _wanted_ that. And then Nathan’s face had turned wistful, and he had told Theo to imagine having a first kiss. And Theo _did_. Nathan never knew, because by the time Theo had realized that his feelings towards the other boy were beyond just _friends_ , he was a master at hiding his chemosignals. 

_That_ was what convinced Theo to escape. He shook himself out of his daze, muttering a quiet apology to Scott, who had been patiently waiting for Theo to continue. “He convinced me that we could pull it off if we did it right, and I believed him. But we…” Theo’s voice broke, and he felt waves of comfort from next to him, and he blinked in surprise. Theo knew alphas had the ability to calm their pack, but he didn’t think _Scott_ could use it on _him_. Theo cleared his throat and continued. “We didn’t account for the Doctors, who somehow found out about our plan. And it– it was a plan we both came up with, but they took Nathan, kicked me out. I screamed until they finally let me in, but they tied me up and made me watch.”

Theo hadn’t said _what_ he had to watch, but Scott’s sharp inhale made it clear that the alpha knew that whatever it was, it had been horrible. And a part of Theo didn’t want to keep going, didn’t want to think about all of it again, but this had been on his mind for ten years, and he’d never talked about it with anyone. He was going to think about it whether he talked about it or not, and Theo was curious if the myth about sharing something to lessen the pain was true. 

“They told me to watch what happened to people who didn’t listen, who tried to _escape_. They cut him open, piece by piece, and they’d done it before with our experiments, but this wasn’t an experiment, it was _torture_ ,” Theo croaked out. “They took wolfsbane and mistletoe, put it _inside_ his body. His screams… I– I’ll never be able to forget that day. And I begged them to stop, kept telling them it was my fault too, but they didn’t listen. I just had to watch as they broke the only friend I had until he could barely even _talk_.”

Theo knew there were tears on his cheeks, but he couldn’t hold them back anymore. “The last thing he told me was to not become what the Doctors wanted me to be. He told me not to stay,” Theo’s voice was barely above a whisper at this point, and he had been struggling to stay as composed as he could this entire time, but he broke down with the next words. “I didn’t listen. His last words, the _only_ thing he wanted me to do, and I–”

A guttural sob left Theo’s throat. “I didn’t _listen_.”

Scott was stunned into silence. Theo pressed his face into his knees, trembling as silent cries racked his body, until he felt a hand on his arm. Theo lifted his head, meeting Scott’s eyes for the first time since he started talking about Nathan.

Anguish and empathy covered Scott’s face, and Theo had barely opened his mouth before he was moving, and he found his face pressed into Scott’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, Theo, I’m sorry,” Scott whispered over and over, until Theo's cries slowly subsided, and he took a shaky breath. 

Theo pulled back, and it should’ve been awkward, should’ve been _weird_ , that Theo’s ex-friend, the guy Theo had almost _killed_ had hugged him, had comforted him, but it _wasn’t_. Theo didn’t know if it was because of Theo finally not being _numb_ anymore, or if it was just _Scott_. 

“Theo,” Scott said softly after a few minutes of silence, “Where have you been?”

“I didn’t leave,” Theo answered, oddly defensive for some reason. His voice was still a little hoarse, and he sniffled, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat, as he wiped the wetness on his cheeks with the sleeve of his sweater.

Scott exhaled slowly. “I know. But you didn’t answer my question.” Theo shrunk back a little, his shoulders rising up to his ears. He’d never felt so _vulnerable_ than he had at this moment. 

“What are you even asking Sco–”

“It’s been over a month since the war,” Scott interjected, and Theo stilled. “No one’s seen you since then.”

“Then someone’s lying to you,” Theo muttered. Scott’s brows furrowed as he turned to him. Theo sighed, looking away. “There are people who’ve talked to me after the war. So someone’s lying to you.”

Scott mulled over his words for a second. “Did something they say lead you to… this?”

“Yeah,” Theo admitted, his breath hitching, “It did.”

Scott nodded, his eyes flicking back to the three gravestones in front of them. “You did listen to him, Theo. It might’ve taken you a little longer to get there, but you listened.”

Theo froze. “I became exactly what they wanted me to,” he said stiffly, “I didn’t listen, and that’s just something I have to carry with me for the rest of my life.”

“Are you still that person?” Scott asked quietly. “Tell me the truth, Theo. Do you still think you’re that person they made you to be?”

Theo thought back to hell, thought back on the last few months. Was he still the ruthless machine that the Doctors created? Would that person sacrifice himself to save someone else, someone who hadn’t even fully trusted Theo at that point?

“No,” Theo said slowly, finally admitting to himself that maybe Corey, and Mason, and Nolan were all right. That maybe he _had_ changed. 

Scott breathed out softly. “I don’t either,” the alpha emphasized. “You stayed and helped us when you could’ve run, Theo. The person you were before wouldn’t have done that.”

Theo started to panic, something in his chest twisting. “ _You_ can’t forgive me,” he rushed out. “You of all people _can’t_ forgive me.”

Understanding was written all over the alpha’s face, but he shifted a little closer to Theo, their shoulders pressing together. “Would that be so bad? If I’ve already forgiven you?”

Theo nodded, avoiding Scott’s searching eyes. 

“Why?”

Theo faltered, suddenly remembering what Nolan had told him days ago. “I– I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything, Scott.”

Scott’s eyes were still on him, Theo could feel them, but the alpha eventually nodded. “I know, you didn’t need to say it. You’ve proved it enough, Theo. So why is me forgiving you a bad thing?”

_We’ve forgiven you, Theo. But nothing’s going to change if you don’t forgive yourself._

Mason’s words flashed in Theo’s mind, and he squeezed his eyes shut, so hard that it _hurt_. 

“You can’t forgive me,” Theo repeated, still not answering the question. “You can’t.”

Scott sighed heavily, waiting a few moments before pushing himself to his feet. He wiped his hands on his jeans, and Theo could feel his stare on his back.

“Let me know when you forgive yourself, Theo,” Scott announced gingerly. “I’ll tell you all of this again then.”

Theo listened as his footsteps got farther and farther away, and once again, Theo was alone. Like he always was. 

But maybe he didn’t have to be anymore.

_______________________________

This was a bad idea. 

Theo knew that, but he was running out of options here, and the wolfsbane coursing through his blood gave him probably five minutes max before he collapsed. 

The hunters had come out of _nowhere_ , taking him by surprise in the preserve. Theo should’ve been paying attention, but he had been at the gravestones again, and his senses always got a little muted when he was there. 

Theo hit the brake, throwing the truck into park before opening the door and stumbling out. He had a hand pressed to his chest, covering one of the many bullet holes on his body, but it was pretty much useless– he was bleeding out _fast_. 

The blinds were pulled on the door to the clinic, but Theo could sense heartbeats, so he slammed into it, pushing it open loudly. Scott was by the counter, talking to Stiles, and the alpha turned quickly when Theo staggered into the room, his shoes squeaking against the floor. He made a mental note to apologize to Deaton about all the blood later. 

“Oh my god, Theo, what happened?” Scott blurted out, rushing over to his side, but he wasn’t fast enough, and Theo’s legs gave out, and he dropped to his knees. Scott threw one of Theo’s arms over his shoulder, yelling at Stiles. Theo was too out of it to process what they were saying, but he felt his body being lifted. 

“–eo, you need to stay awake,” Theo vaguely heard as he faded in and out of consciousness. And he tried, he really did, but every breath he took sent jolts of pain through his body, and he _couldn’t_ anymore. His eyes drifted closed, and he fell into the darkness amid panicked shouts. 

When Theo opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed was that he was at the hospital. The second thing he noticed was that the chairs next to his bed weren’t empty. 

Scott had his head tilted back against the wall, his eyes closed as he dozed peacefully. Stiles was a lot less… elegant. His head was tilted sideways, leaning against Scott’s, and his mouth was parted as he snored obnoxiously. His legs were spread carelessly, like he had slumped into the chair and instantly fell asleep without another thought. 

Theo blinked slowly as he realized that there were no wounds on his body, the evidence of the hunter attack all gone. Supernatural healing made everything so… _temporary_. It undermined all the shit that they went through, made it seem like it was all superficial, because nothing ever left a mark. 

But Theo was beginning to understand that there didn’t need to be a physical scar on his body for something to leave a mark. 

He shifted, pushing the white sheet covering him down. But apparently even that subtle movement was too loud, because Theo froze as a quiet voice filled the room.

“Theo?”

Theo angled his head to look at the chairs, and found Scott’s eyes open, staring at him in concern. 

“I’m fine,” Theo said softly, “Thanks.”

Scott moved, dislodging Stiles’ head, who jolted awake, his head flinging up as he drowsily mumbled, “S’happening?” Theo didn’t have the nerve to look at Stiles, so he kept his eyes on Scott instead, waiting for the alpha to say whatever he was going to say before Stiles interrupted him.

“What happened?” 

Theo sighed, moving around until he was sitting up completely. “Hunters. There were too many of them, and I didn’t mean to go to the clinic, but the bullets had wolfsbane, and it was the only place I could think of. I’m sorry, I didn’t know you guys were gonna be there, I wouldn’t have–”

“Theo.” Scott’s voice was hard, and Theo’s eyes snapped to the alpha. “Why are you apologizing?"

“Uh,” Theo’s eyes flickered to Stiles, who had fully woken up by this point, and his face was serious as he stared back. “I– I don’t know.”

He _did_ know, but he didn’t know how to put it in words. 

“You wouldn’t have what?” Stiles asked suddenly, and it took Theo a moment to realize he was talking about what Scott had cut Theo off from saying. 

Theo’s gaze darted between Scott and Stiles. He’d talked to Scott, he’d apologized to him, even if the alpha had told him he didn’t need to. And he’d told him about Nathan, about something that he’d never talked about with _anyone_ before. And Scott knew that Theo didn’t forgive himself for the things he did, even if other people had. Scott _knew_ what Theo was about to say, which is why he cut him off in the first place.

But Stiles didn’t. 

“Wouldn’t have,” Theo started in a low voice, “come to the clinic.”

Irritation flared from the alpha, but Scott didn’t say anything, because this was about Stiles and Theo. 

“Where would you have gone, then?” Stiles pressed, not letting Theo get away with not explaining, because it was _Stiles_. 

“I don’t know,” Theo said quietly. Scott’s annoyance was drifting off of him in waves, but Stiles just leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Scott said you’ve been going to the preserve a lot,” Stiles said, and Theo heard the suspicion in his voice, “Why?”

“Stiles–”

“It’s fine, Scott,” Theo interrupted, pushing off the wall and placing his feet on the ground. He stood up shakily, testing his body to make sure everything was good, before grabbing his keys from his jeans. “I’m _fine,_ ” he emphasized when Scott started to protest, “Chimera healing, remember?” He had his hand on the door when he realized the other two weren’t following him. He turned around, cocking an eyebrow. “Let’s _go_ , you’re the one who wanted to know,” he said to Stiles, and the human gave him a weird look before pushing off the chair, Scott in tow. 

Twenty minutes later, Theo was parking his truck in between the two trees that marked the place Theo had built his graveyard.

(It would’ve been ten, but they quickly realized that the only way they’d be able to leave was to sneak Theo out. Melissa was _not_ someone any of them wanted to cross, but something pressed in on Theo’s chest when Scott told him that Melissa would care that he was leaving the hospital so quickly. The nurse had _no_ reason to care, but for some reason, Scott thought that she would. And Theo didn’t know what to think about that.)

He was quiet as he got out of the truck, his mind oscillating between _this is a horrible idea_ and _I need to do this_. Theo had already told Scott, but Stiles wasn’t Scott. There was a possibility that the human would see the stones and outright tell Theo he didn’t deserve to mourn. But at least it wasn’t just him and Stiles, at least Scott was there, to soothe things over if they went south. But Theo was apparently worried about nothing because the second Stiles processed what he was looking at, he went silent.

“Oh,” the human breathed out, and waves of grief rolled off of him. 

“This is why I’ve been coming to the preserve,” Theo confirmed, his voice barely above a whisper. He stared down at the three gravestones, so familiar to him now that he could point out every groove and ridge on them without even _looking_. He felt Stiles shift uneasily next to him, and braced himself for the inevitable question.

“Who– Who’s Nathan?”

“Theo, you don’t have to–”

“I brought him here, Scott,” Theo interjected, “I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t want to explain.”

Stiles was looking back and forth between them, and Theo sighed. His finger spasmed against his thigh, but he rolled his shoulders, and started talking.

It was easier this time, and Theo vaguely realized that maybe talking _did_ make it better. He went through the story again, for Stiles this time, though Scott was still intently listening as Theo talked about the only friend he had in the ten years he was with the Dread Doctors. 

Stiles’ scent _tanked_ when Theo started the part about the torture Nathan faced, about how Theo was strapped down and forced to watch the boy he’d spent the last few years with scream until he lost almost all of his voice. Theo felt his eyes burn when he finished with Nathan’s last words, and he blinked rapidly as he tilted his head towards the sky, willing his tears not to fall. 

The preserve was quiet for a few minutes after Theo stopped talking, all three of them looking down at the stones as they reflected on how _fucked_ up their lives were. 

“I’m sorry,” Theo finally said, turning to Stiles slowly. “For everything I did to you. I’m sorry for everything.”

Theo watched as Stiles’s gaze moved away from Nathan’s gravestone to him. The human’s jaw clenched as he turned away, staring out into the trees. “You’ve proved that you are,” Stiles stated, and it was _insane_ how similar Stiles and Scott were sometimes. “Have you…” the human looked hesitant, and Theo was suddenly _worried_. “Have you brought anyone else out here?”

Theo’s pulse steadied as he shook his head. Stiles exchanged a quick glance with Scott before looking back at Theo. “Have you thought about it?”

He had. He’d thought about bringing Corey, and Mason, even _Nolan_ here. And he’d thought about bringing someone he hadn’t seen in over a _month_ , even though Theo wasn’t even sure he would come. Theo had spent a _lot_ of time thinking about that.

Stiles must’ve seen something on his face that gave him away, because he gave him a subtle nod. “My first thought when I saw you stumble into the clinic was what was _he_ doing here? But… you’ve– you’ve changed, Theo. _I_ can tell that you’ve changed. You should let them in, Theo. They want to, _he_ wants to.”

Theo stiffened, he didn’t need Stiles to clarify who _they_ , who _he_ was. 

“Just think about it,” Stiles said softly. “Maybe he’ll surprise you.”

_______________________________

Theo was wide awake, staring at the ceiling of the apartment that was apparently now his. He’d been saving as much money as he could from his shitty job to find a place to sleep, and he’d taken one step into this apartment building, before freezing and turning around as fast as he could, but not fast enough to avoid Derek noticing him. 

The older werewolf took one look at Theo’s disheveled clothes and his sunken face, and sighed heavily. Five minutes later, Theo was being handed keys to an apartment, with a warning that he better not trash the place. 

And now he was here.

Theo couldn’t sleep, not that that was _unusual_. But Stiles’ words from yesterday kept repeating over and over in his head, and Theo couldn’t help but wonder if he was right. 

An hour later, Theo was no closer to sleep, and he huffed, before picking up his phone from next to him. 

His hands moved on autopilot, and Theo didn’t fully register what he was doing until his finger was millimeters away from the blue arrow. It wavered there for a minute, before Theo thought _fuck it_ , and pressed it. He exhaled sharply, turned his phone off, and threw it somewhere far away from him. 

Theo had only typed six words, but they kept flashing in his mind as he forced his eyes shut and willed himself to sleep. 

_Preserve tomorrow, bring all of them_

_______________________________

If Corey had been surprised to hear from Theo, he didn’t show it as he got out of Mason’s car. Theo saw Mason, Nolan, Brett get out next, but his pulse skipped only when he saw Liam. He hadn’t seen the beta since that day at the hospital, and Theo wondered if it was because he didn’t want to see Theo, or if it was because Mason and Corey told him something. 

“Hey, Theo,” Corey said, a small smile on his face, and Theo found himself returning it. 

“Did you figure out how to do what I told you to?” Mason asked softly, and Theo’s gaze dropped, and his chemosignals were probably a _mess_ right now, but he didn’t control them.

“Not completely,” he said after a moment. “But I’m getting there, I think.”

Theo lifted his head to see Mason’s lips pull up in a faint smile. Liam was watching him carefully, and Theo angled his head towards him before looking away quickly. On second thought, maybe he _wasn’t_ ready for this.

But Nolan nudged his shoulder, and introduced Brett. The werewolf gave Theo a nod, and Theo nodded in return before looking down again.

“Um,” Theo started, and he clenched his jaw before taking a deep breath. “Just… just follow me, I guess.”

The walk into the preserve was quiet, and he _knew_ there were looks being exchanged behind him, but he ignored all of it and kept walking, and it was almost muscle memory at this point. When Theo reached the two trees, he stopped for a second before surging forward and planting his feet in front of the three stones. 

Theo knew when the rest of them realized what Theo brought them to, because he heard Corey’s sharp inhale, and Mason and Liam’s gasps. 

“Is this what help–”

“It was the first step,” Theo cut Mason off. The human nodded slightly, and knelt next to his boyfriend to comfort him, who had fallen to his knees in front of Josh and Tracy’s gravestones. 

“You…” Corey’s voice broke, and the sorrow radiating off of him stabbed at Theo’s heart. “You gave them closure.”

“It was the least I could do,” Theo murmured. “They deserved so much more than that.”

Liam had been quiet the entire time, but he shifted closer to Theo until their arms were touching, and it was crazy, how much that _little_ touch did something to Theo. _Anchored_ him. “Who’s Nathan?”

Theo inhaled slowly, before launching into the story for the third time in the past week. When he got to Nathan’s screams, his voice cracked, and Liam moved even closer, until their fingers were close enough to brush. Theo cleared his throat and continued, somehow making it through the rest of the story without breaking down. 

“I don’t know what happened to his body,” Theo said quietly. “This is the closest thing to closure he’ll ever get.”

Corey and Nolan had tears on their cheeks, and Theo suddenly remembered Nolan in the same position weeks ago, crying for the death of _his_ best friend. Brett wrapped his hand around Nolan’s, and all of a sudden, Theo realized why the tall werewolf was here. 

“And you’ve been keeping this to yourself all these years?” Mason asked gently, and Theo didn’t answer, which was pretty much a dead giveaway. “Do… do you blame yourself for this?"

Theo stilled. How did Mason always _know?_ Even if Nathan was the one who started the plan, Theo was an integral part of coming up with it too. But the Doctors ignored that, only went after Nathan. Theo always thought it had something to do with him being the “first chimera,” but that didn’t mean he felt any less guilty that Nathan died while he got to live. It wasn’t fair, he had screamed at the Doctors all those years ago, struggling in the wolfbane vines, it wasn’t _fair_.

A soft cough brought him out of his thoughts, and Theo realized that the other five teenagers had been staring at him, waiting for him to answer the question. But Theo didn’t want to put his thoughts into words, and Mason seemed to get that, because he simply nodded. Theo knew that they all knew the answer anyway. 

Theo stiffened when he felt Liam’s hand touch his, but the werewolf gave no indication that he did it. After a few seconds, it happened again, but this time, Liam slanted his hand just a _little_ so that his pinky could wrap around Theo’s. Theo’s breath caught in his throat, but he didn’t move away, instead rotating his finger so it aligned with Liam’s. They weren’t holding hands, they hadn’t even _talked_ for the last month, but it was like they had some unspoken _thing_ , that even after all this time, Liam just _knew_ Theo needed this. Theo saw Mason’s eyes dart down to their intertwined pinkies, and saw the human’s mouth twitch before he turned back around. 

Theo’s shoulder was pressed against Liam’s, but he pressed just a _little_ more, and he could see the beta’s cheeks darken out of the corner of his eye. 

His lips spasmed, and Theo had to bite back a smile, despite where they were, despite everything that he just said. 

Theo didn’t know how long they stayed there, but being there with all of them felt a _lot_ nicer than being there _alone_.

_______________________________

Theo had just gotten out of the shower, and barely even pulled on his clothes before he heard a knock on his front door. 

He froze. What was _he_ doing here?

Theo walked to the door, closing his eyes and steeling himself before pulling it open.

“Hey,” he said calmly to Liam, despite being the _opposite_ of calm at the moment. “Is something wrong?”

The beta shook his head hastily, before his eyes flicked into Theo’s apartment, and Theo stepped aside, gesturing at him to come in. Liam looked hesitant, but moved after a second, and Theo shut the door.

When Theo turned around, Liam was a few feet away from him, staring at Theo with an unreadable expression on his face. 

“Liam, why are you here?” Theo’s voice was tentative, and Liam let out a quiet sigh.

“Everyone else got their chance to talk to you, I get a turn too, right?” the beta joked, and Theo raised an eyebrow. 

“Do you have something in mind?”

Liam faltered. “Uh, no not really,” he muttered, and Theo’s lips quirked up in a smile.

“C’mon,” Theo called out as he made his way to the kitchen, “I have leftovers from lunch, and you can rack your overworked brain and try to come up with something to talk about while we eat.”

Liam made an offended noise, but followed Theo into the kitchen. Theo pulled out pasta from the fridge, sticking it into the microwave, before turning back to Liam, who had settled on the chair in front of the counter.

“Why didn’t you talk to me?” Liam’s voice was soft, and Theo stiffened.

“I didn’t plan on talking to everyone,” Theo said, “I didn’t even think they’d _want_ to talk to me. I was planning on leaving you guys alone, but…” 

Liam’s jaw ticked. “So you were just going to _leave?_ Just like that? After everything?”

“No,” Theo rushed out, “No, I wasn’t planning on _leaving_ , just not…” He trailed off, not knowing _how_ to finish that sentence.

“Mason didn’t even tell me he talked to you until I confronted him,” Liam stated after a few moments of silence. “And he wouldn’t tell me what you talked about. It was the first time I got mad at him in _so_ long, but he wouldn’t budge. Said that it was something that you had to work on by yourself first.”

Theo blinked in surprise. He thought Mason had told Liam everything about that day, because why _wouldn’t_ he? “You want to know what it was.”

Liam studied him for a second before shaking his head. “I just want to know if you did it. Did you figure it out, Theo?”

And _that’s_ when Theo realized that Liam was a lot smarter than people gave him credit for. So many people see his IED and his impulsive nature, and write him off as just another teenage boy with anger issues, but Liam was _so_ much more than that. He understood things that most people thought he wouldn’t, and Mason _hadn’t_ told him what him and Theo talked about, but Liam had figured it out anyway. 

“I’m getting there,” Theo answered, repeating what he told Mason two months ago. “I don’t know if I ever will completely.”

The microwave beeped behind him, but Theo ignored it, keeping his eyes on Liam. But the beta didn’t argue with him, like Theo thought he would. “Maybe,” Liam said in a low voice. “But I’ll be here to help you try.”

Theo’s pulse skipped, and he heard Liam’s skip in response. They hadn’t addressed this… _thing_ between them even when they started talking and hanging out again, and Theo had assumed it was just something that would never be. That they’d always just linger in _almost_ until it was too late. And this wasn’t _confirmation_ , but it was _something_. 

Theo’s fingers tapped on the counter erratically, and he stared at a piece of dust in front of him, not looking at Liam. “That’s a big commitment, you sure you want to?” he asked, a little harshly, because when did anyone ever _stay_ for _him?_

Liam’s lips pulled down into a slight frown and he pushed out of his chair, walking around the counter to stand next to Theo. “Theo,” he started, concern coloring his face, and Theo turned to face him. “You _know_ the answer to that.”

Theo stayed silent, his eyes roaming Liam’s face. Liam seemed to realize what Theo was doing, because his face was wide open, his blue eyes piercing. “Why?” Theo’s voice cracked in the middle even though he was whispering, and Liam shifted closer.

“Because you deserve it,” Liam murmured, his voice suddenly so _close_. “Because I want to.”

“But–”

“Isn’t that enough?” Liam cut Theo off, his hand brushing Theo’s. “I’m staying because I _want_ to. I’ll _always_ stay, Theo, because I don’t want this to be temporary.”

Theo’s breath hitched. How many times had he wondered about something that would make him _stay?_ That would stop him from being _temporary_ , just an ephemeral silhouette lurking in the shadows? How many times had he–

“Do you want this?” Liam interrupted his thoughts, and Theo _felt_ , more than saw, Liam move even _closer_ , until their chests were touching. This felt so _fragile_ , so _delicate_ , and Theo was scared he would break it if he even _breathed_.

So Theo nodded, keeping his eyes solely on Liam’s, and suddenly Liam’s face was _right there_ , inches away, and Theo didn’t know what to _do_. 

But, he didn’t have to, because Liam _did_. 

And as their lips touched, Theo’s eyes fluttering close, there was not a _single_ thought in his mind, except for the exhilarating realization that for once, Theo was not _alone_.

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: Nathan and Theo both mean "gift of God"
> 
> do with that what you will :)


End file.
